Nerves

My appointment with the RE is on Wednesday and I am both excited and very nervous about it. In my head, I am thinking of all of the possible things that he could say including, “it won’t work.”  I am the type of person that always mentally prepares for the worst when it comes to major life stressors.  I am mentally preparing myself to move on to Fostering to Adopt (F2A).  I honestly feel like I am only a couple months away from starting the process if these next few months don’t work out.   If this cycle fails, I’m prepared to give IUI a one-time chance.  I know that RE’s typically recommend 3 cycles of IUI, but since our insurance does not cover infertility treatment, I’d rather put that money into making a home for/raising our foster child.  BUT – Maybe my gut will be right and this cycle will be the lucky one, making the visit to the RE somewhat unnecessary.  Not completely unnecessary as I do need someone to eventually dig Mabel (my dermoid cyst) out of my left ovary.

I’m not giving up hope of becoming a mom.  I’m just getting to be done riding this emotional roller coaster every month.  To you ladies in the trenches that go through this process for years – I commend you for your courage, strength, faith, and determination.ea3244e4a6685577b2b86efe949e0275

Although I know that I will become a mom through F2A, I also know that hubby and I will grieve the emotional and mental loss of having our own biological child.  Maybe that loss won’t be felt for long as the joy for bringing a child into our home fills the void.  Maybe we will feel a greater sense of fulfillment as we will chose to love and nurture a child that is in need vs creating a new life.  Maybe we will travel the world and do something out of our comfort zone before we take the permanent step of adoption.  We know that we could potentially conceive on our own in the future…as so many have after “giving up”. I have zero plans to go on birth control ever again – because, well, what’s the point?

As I approach the half-way point in my cycle and this month’s ovulation, I don’t feel as much fullness in my lower abdomen as I felt last month.  But, I’m sure that there are some fine follicles growing in there.  I also continue to have hot flashes and have been sleeping with knotted bedding as I put on and toss off the sheet & blanket several times a night.  I’ve been taking the 81mg aspirin nightly along with 600mg Mucinex and my 1500mg of Metformin.  I’m also adding 4000 of Vitamin D to the mix.  Hubby and I “made waves” yesterday and I plan on repeating the event as often as possible through ovulation.  I even had him get the foam wedge to prop my hips up afterwards.  I’m putting all that I can into this cycle!  May my eggs be quality, my uterus be cushy, and my cervical mucous be favorable!oocyte

Based on the first day of my LMP, a BFP would result in a due date of May 12th according to Naegele’s rule (yep, nursing school!).  In my conscious grappling for “signs” that this cycle will be successful, this date is significant.  It was my grandpa’s birthday.  When I told this to Hubbs, he said, “Maybe this was meant to be.”

A few weeks ago, I also stopped at SaintA, one of the agencies that work with Milwaukee County to place foster children.  They do allow families from outside of Milwaukee County to foster from Milwaukee County.  Typically, the initial visits with birth parents happen twice a week for a few hours and are influenced by the birth parent’s involvement.  A representative (social worker?) will pick up the child, meet the birth parent at the predetermined location, and then return the child home.  Healthcare and such can be coordinated close to home and does not have to be done in Milwaukee County.  The lady said that “as long as you aren’t too picky like eye color and hair color”, people usually get placed quickly.  I was shocked to hear her say something like this.  Foster parents are accepting or denying placements based on eye color and hair color??? In 2012, 45% of the children in the foster care system in Wisconsin were Caucasian while 33% were African American.

Well, I will update sometime after the RE appointment…hopefully with a plan and good news!

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