Letting go.

It’s only been a little over 2 weeks, but I feel like its been months since my last post.  I feel such a mix of emotions and right now, a little bit sick to my stomach with nerves.  I will start with the RE appointment which was August 20th.  Hubs did agree to try IUI once, because its worth a shot at having a biological child.   At the RE office, all he talked about was going to the “porn room” again.  A guy and his significant other checked in before us and then headed to the room where hubs had to give his semen sample.  Off to the side he tells me with a smile, “Lucky fella.”  He always has a way of making me laugh and I love him so much for that.   I asked him later on about what changed his mind about IUI and he told me, “Honestly, to get you off my back.”  It works for me.

So, I had no idea what to expect when going to the RE.  The form included an area to chart a physical exam, so I figured that there would be some type of hands on portion included in the initial consult.  There wasn’t.  My husband and I spent 2-3 hours at the RE office waiting and talking to an endocrinology resident only to spend 10 minutes with Dr. Davis.  Essentially, all he said was to be patient.  Really?  This is what a $500 consult gets you?  I felt like it was such a waste of time and money.

Upon leaving, the plan was to have day 3 labs drawn (FSH, Ovarian Reserve, Estrogen, Vitamin D, and a $25 dollar genetic screening which will include cystic fibrosis) if I begin another cycle and am not pregnant.  Dr. Davis knew that I had another months worth of Clomid at home so I would use that up, and we discussed switching to Femara after that because PCOS often causes the estrogen levels to be too high which suppresses FSH.  Femara blocks estrogen so that FSH can return to normal levels and stimulate egg production again.  Dr. Davis also referred to hubby’s sperm sample as normal, so that was a relief.

During the 2ww, I requested that a 21 day progesterone level be drawn because no one has done that yet and I want to know that I am ovulating for sure with Clomid.  With it taking a couple of days longer than normal to get a positive ovulation predictor kit change, I was getting nervous that my ovaries were bunk. I also brought the genetic screening kit with me for the phlebotomist to fill and then sent it out via FedEX the next day.  The 21 day progesterone results came back normal.

Martha arrived this Sunday.  I phoned the reproductive medicine nurses line and left a message about my cycle start, reminder about day 3 labs, and info about not having a positive OPK until day 18.  I get a voicemail back (because of course I’m busy when I get the call) and was pretty turned off with what I heard.  Yes, day 3 labs, have them drawn.  Schedule a consult for 3 weeks after labwork.  *Here’s the kicker* – no fertility medications this month as MD discussed possible change to another medication.

Woah…wait a minute…you’ve gotta be kidding me!!!!  Like f***ing hell I’m going to waste a month doing nothing!  Thank goodness I ended up with an additional month supply at home because this is one piece of “nursing instruction” that I am not going to follow.  I’m taking my Clomid, thank you, and that is that.

At the beginning of the year when I went to be evaluated for 3 months of amenorrhea and infertility, hubs and I talked about setting the goal of getting pregnant by the end of the year.  If I don’t get pregnant by December, #1 I will have surgery to remove Mabel (my dermoid) and #2 we will begin the foster process to get licensed.  The way I am cycling, I will ovulate around the 24th of this month and have Martha due around the 9-11th of October.  Then, I will ovulate again around Halloween and have my next period around November 15th.  The last period of the year will be due around December 16th – the day I’m scheduled for surgery.  I have 3 cycles left.  Hubs keeps telling me to be patient as well, but I honestly feel weighed down and under pressure to get this to work.  I think we should try IUI in October.  If we are going to give it a shot, I think that the timing would be right to do it then.

I need to let go of this time frame…be patient…and trust in the road ahead.  We can do however many months of Femara that the MD will let us do and if it doesn’t work, then that is that.  Then we can move on.  I don’t need to have the dermoid removed in December.  I can put it off longer.  Or, I can have it removed and just continue on from there.  Worst case scenario, I will lose my left ovary.  But – I will still have my right.  We don’t have to begin the foster process right away.  We can take a vacation.  I can get established as a nurse.  We can try to pay down our debt.  Things will work out just the way they are meant to.

I recently got the chance to catch up with a very good friend of mine.   She struggled getting pregnant with her first pregnancy and ended up bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world with the help of Clomid.  Now, about 1 1/2 to 2 years later, I just found out that she is pregnant again!!!  This time, things went much quicker than even they expected and I am so happy for them!  When we take our trip out to the West coast sometime next year, I want to make a point to spend some time with them.trust

Learning to let go of what we have in mind is hard.  Occasionally, it seems nearly impossible. I don’t know how I will do it, but I will definitely try. Maybe I will pray for help with letting go, letting go of my plans and accepting the road ahead that awaits.

I know in my heart that it is in those times during which we let go, that we receive.

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5 thoughts on “Letting go.

  1. Praying for you sugars! Have you read the book Pregnant with Hope? I highly recommend it. It helped me. It also has a chapter on letting Go. If you want a copy I can send it to you?

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